The Process

I know that grief is a process.  I know there are different stages and that we all experience them differently.  My head knows all that junk, but my heart still hurts. 

The hurt is changing though.  Not sure if it is any better or worse, just changing.  Wednesday it was all just too much.  It was too real.  I could not get the image of her taking those last breaths out of my head.  The fact that she was talking one minute and then gone the next kept playing in my mind over and over.  I was in no mood for company Wednesday.  I actually came home, parked behind the house, locked the doors and unplugged the phone.  I spent the afternoon loving on my babies and drawing comfort from them.

Thursday was the opposite.  Just as the day before had been too real, Thursday felt surreal.  I went through the motions of viewing her body for the first time, helping with funeral arrangements, and picking out flowers all while on autopilot.  It was busywork, and while there were still moments when my emotions overtook, for the most part they were on the backburner.

Friday morning was about the boys.  I took them early to view Granny's body in private.  They had questions and I answered them the best I could.  Noah understands completely and Jonah understands as well, he just keeps asking questions. Little Micah has no idea what has happened.  I just pray that somewhere in that smart mind of his he has buried memories of Granny for future years.  Friday evening was the visitation.  Nearly 300 people showed up to pay their respects.  It was wonderful to see how loved Granny was and how many lives she had touched.

Today was our final goodbye.  The church was full and the ceremony was beautiful.  She would have loved every minute of it.  I know she is rejoicing. After the ceremony and lunch we all came back to the house and took a LONG nap.  Grief is an exhausting thing.  My heart aches that she is gone, but I am happy for her.  I know she is rejoicing.

I ask myself now if I had the option to bring her back, what would I do?  I know the answer should be an easy no, but I am just not there yet.  I feel so guilty, but the truth is that I would bring her back in a heartbeat.  I still need her and I feel as if I will forever miss her.