Grief

I can't sleep.  I keep thinking about Granny and how much I miss her.  I am thinking about my brother and his wife half a world away and how much I just want to give them a hug...how much she would want to give them a hug.  I wonder how I will ever make it without her.  I hate that my boys are missing her and that Noah climbed into her bed tonight and cried himself to sleep.  I never imagined it would be this hard, yet at the same time I would not change one minute over the past few months.  I am so glad that we were able to take care of Granny and that the boys got to experience her in a way that most children never get to experience their Great-Grandparents.  I pray that they always keep memories of waking up in the middle of the night and sneaking into Granny's bed for a snuggle.  I am grieving that our newest babe will never know that privilege.
My Granny was an interesting, one of a kind, sassy, lady.  You never had to wonder what she thought of you because there was absolutely no filter between her brain and her mouth.  It sounds harsh, but it was actually refreshing and I think she had so many friends because of that.  She put me in my place many times, and I can't help but wonder who will do that now.  Watching her go today was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I wanted so badly to call a time out and just make time stand still.  I wasn't ready.  I don't think I would have ever been ready.  But today was not about me being ready it was about her...and I know that she was ready.  She is rejoicing now, but I am still grieving.  I miss her.  I selfishly want her back.  I still need her.
Oh what a joy it would have been tonight for her to call me to change the channel for her so she could watch her Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.  We would have talked about Vanna's dress and she would have fussed at me for using Mrs. Dash in her food.  She would have loved on the kids and loaded them up with chocolate candy that she was not even supposed to have.  As much as I would like that, I know that she would not come back even if she could and it is insanely selfish of me to even want her to.
I can't help it.  I miss her.  I can't stop crying.  It feels like a part of my chest is missing.  I really did not know that it would be this hard.  Aside from my mother and my husband, I don't think that anyone on this earth knew me better than my Granny.  And now that person is gone.  I'm sure over the next few days things will get easier, but right now I am the selfish person that wants to bring her back.