The Process

I know that grief is a process.  I know there are different stages and that we all experience them differently.  My head knows all that junk, but my heart still hurts. 

The hurt is changing though.  Not sure if it is any better or worse, just changing.  Wednesday it was all just too much.  It was too real.  I could not get the image of her taking those last breaths out of my head.  The fact that she was talking one minute and then gone the next kept playing in my mind over and over.  I was in no mood for company Wednesday.  I actually came home, parked behind the house, locked the doors and unplugged the phone.  I spent the afternoon loving on my babies and drawing comfort from them.

Thursday was the opposite.  Just as the day before had been too real, Thursday felt surreal.  I went through the motions of viewing her body for the first time, helping with funeral arrangements, and picking out flowers all while on autopilot.  It was busywork, and while there were still moments when my emotions overtook, for the most part they were on the backburner.

Friday morning was about the boys.  I took them early to view Granny's body in private.  They had questions and I answered them the best I could.  Noah understands completely and Jonah understands as well, he just keeps asking questions. Little Micah has no idea what has happened.  I just pray that somewhere in that smart mind of his he has buried memories of Granny for future years.  Friday evening was the visitation.  Nearly 300 people showed up to pay their respects.  It was wonderful to see how loved Granny was and how many lives she had touched.

Today was our final goodbye.  The church was full and the ceremony was beautiful.  She would have loved every minute of it.  I know she is rejoicing. After the ceremony and lunch we all came back to the house and took a LONG nap.  Grief is an exhausting thing.  My heart aches that she is gone, but I am happy for her.  I know she is rejoicing.

I ask myself now if I had the option to bring her back, what would I do?  I know the answer should be an easy no, but I am just not there yet.  I feel so guilty, but the truth is that I would bring her back in a heartbeat.  I still need her and I feel as if I will forever miss her.

Grief

I can't sleep.  I keep thinking about Granny and how much I miss her.  I am thinking about my brother and his wife half a world away and how much I just want to give them a hug...how much she would want to give them a hug.  I wonder how I will ever make it without her.  I hate that my boys are missing her and that Noah climbed into her bed tonight and cried himself to sleep.  I never imagined it would be this hard, yet at the same time I would not change one minute over the past few months.  I am so glad that we were able to take care of Granny and that the boys got to experience her in a way that most children never get to experience their Great-Grandparents.  I pray that they always keep memories of waking up in the middle of the night and sneaking into Granny's bed for a snuggle.  I am grieving that our newest babe will never know that privilege.
My Granny was an interesting, one of a kind, sassy, lady.  You never had to wonder what she thought of you because there was absolutely no filter between her brain and her mouth.  It sounds harsh, but it was actually refreshing and I think she had so many friends because of that.  She put me in my place many times, and I can't help but wonder who will do that now.  Watching her go today was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I wanted so badly to call a time out and just make time stand still.  I wasn't ready.  I don't think I would have ever been ready.  But today was not about me being ready it was about her...and I know that she was ready.  She is rejoicing now, but I am still grieving.  I miss her.  I selfishly want her back.  I still need her.
Oh what a joy it would have been tonight for her to call me to change the channel for her so she could watch her Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.  We would have talked about Vanna's dress and she would have fussed at me for using Mrs. Dash in her food.  She would have loved on the kids and loaded them up with chocolate candy that she was not even supposed to have.  As much as I would like that, I know that she would not come back even if she could and it is insanely selfish of me to even want her to.
I can't help it.  I miss her.  I can't stop crying.  It feels like a part of my chest is missing.  I really did not know that it would be this hard.  Aside from my mother and my husband, I don't think that anyone on this earth knew me better than my Granny.  And now that person is gone.  I'm sure over the next few days things will get easier, but right now I am the selfish person that wants to bring her back.

Redneck Life

Need I say more?

Got Grass?

Potty training a boy is such an interesting experience.  Jonah has really taken to wearing big boy underwear and is doing great.  He is even staying dry through the night.  He LOVES to pee outside and the first thing he usually does when he wakes up is to run out the back door and relieve himself...hey, whatever works!  Once he made up his mind to potty train it has been so easy. 
This past Friday was our first full day in town running errands since he had been out of diapers.  We were in town from about 10:00 that morning  until 4:30 that afternoon.  That meant that Jonah had to use public restrooms without the potty insert (for his tiny hiney) that we use at home.
I thought for sure that we were in trouble after the first two bathroom stops that we made.  Jonah told me he had to go, but when we got into the bathroom both times he just could not seem to pee.  Our third stop it was obvious that he really had to go, but once again he tried and said, "I just can't."  When I asked if running some water in the sink would help he said, "No 'Mam, I just need some grass!"
We finally found a small patch of grass behind Wendy's that I could shield him from the view of traffic and he could relieve himself.  My Grandmother thought it was horrible that he had to have grass in order to pee, but I told her it could have been worse.  He could have asked for a fire hydrant!

Happy Passover

I really hope this does not offend anyone.  I thought it was too funny!

Love and Marriage

We had a young married couples dinner and seminar at church last night.  It was really good, we learned a lot and had tons of laughs with each other.  One of the exercises we did required us to write on an index card one thing that we did not like about our spouse.  We were to write down that one thing that drove us crazy and then turn our card over so that no-one else saw what we wrote.
Of course I knew immediately what annoyed me the most about Joe so I quickly wrote it down, turned my card over and put my pen down.  When I looked at Joe, I saw him sitting there staring at his blank card in front of him.  I felt guilty that I had come up with a negative item about him so quickly and here he was still trying to think of something negative about me.  I leaned over and put my arm around him and whispered, "It is so sweet that you are having such a hard time with this."  To which he replied, "Well he said just one thing and I'm having trouble narrowing it down!"

Baby Givens

Baby Givens "saw" the doctor for the first time today and got a clean bill of health.  So far everything is progressing nicely.  My actual due date is November 19th, but because this will be a repeat cesarean he or she will be here earlier than that...probably on the 13th, but depending on the hospital schedule that could change.
I am feeling so excited.  Although I am having quite a bit of nausea, I am loving every minute of this pregnancy.  I am sure that November will be here before I can blink and I will wonder where the time went, so I am trying to enjoy every day that this baby is still growing inside me.

Did Not

My two year old did not walk all the way from our backyard and nearly a quarter of a mile down the main road to the neighbors house unnoticed by either of his parents.  There is certainly no way that he did it while wearing only a diaper.  Joe and I are much too responsible for that.  We know who is watching each of our children at all times and never lose track of any of them.

My seven year old did not inform me that my two year old was standing in the middle of the road while I was sitting on my neighbors front porch visiting.  I did not start screaming like a lunatic and trample the neighbor's flower beds trying to get to him when I realized that said two year old must have followed the seven year old and I as we walked to the neighbor's house earlier.

My husband did not calmly say, "Oh, I thought you knew he decided to go with you" when I called him to tell him what happened.  It did not take emptying my stomach contents and nearly an hour to stop shaking.

Nope, none of this happened today.  I refuse to believe it.

Bees

One of our bee hives swarmed today into the top of our Magnolia tree.

We gathered the supplies necessary to get it down.

A ladder, saw, and an empty hive box to put them in.

First I climbed the ladder to get a picture of the bees before Joe moved them. 

Then I locked myself in the Pathfinder with the kids while Joe cut the branch.

It took him about three trips to get the entire swarm. 

 This is just part of the swarm. 

After the swarm was taken care of we decided to do a little housekeeping with the bees.  This is the bottom side of the top board in a hive.  All of the comb and honey is not supposed to be there, so we raked it off and the kids got their bellies full!

They said it was yummy, but personally I do not really like honey, so I refrained.  We were able to gather enough extra bees to fill our observation hive.  I have been wanting to put one in the house for the longest time and it looks like that will happen soon.  If the queen starts laying, then we will be able to move it.  I'll post pictures as soon as it is ready!

By the way, did you know that the only true way to tell if you are allergic to bees is to get stung and see if you have a reaction?  We now know for sure that Joe, myself, and Noah are not allergic.   Jonah and Micah have yet to be "tested".

Number Four!