Mama Dantzler used to say, "You never know what a person is facing, so always be kinder than necessary." I never really thought too much about it while she was alive. Sure I was kind to people all of the time, when they deserved it!
These past few weeks that saying has taken a new meaning to me.
Back in November, Joe and I found out we were expecting baby number five. I knew that this baby like all babies was a precious gift and I loved him instantly. You know that love that you can't explain but settles deep in your heart? Yeah, that kind of love.
I want to tell you that I was thrilled and excited and over the moon and wanting to tell the whole world what a wonderful gift we had been given....but I can't.
Because I have to be honest with myself. Although I knew that this baby was a gift, and I was in love with him, I was also scared.
Scared of a fifth c-section, of how my body would respond, of how my doctor was going to flip out on me, of what other people would say, or if they didn't say it what they would think. "She can't just be satisfied with the ones she has, she has her hands full already, how is she going to manage that?"
I did get excited, and at Thanksgiving we told our parents. But through it all, that fear stayed in my mind. I just couldn't trust that everything was going to be okay.
And then....one day it wasn't okay.
12-01-2013 Our baby was gone.
My heart was shattered as I grieved the loss of a little life that only a handful of people even knew about. Not only that but I was bombarded with feelings of guilt. I should have trusted. I should not have let fear control me. I should have shouted from the rooftops about this gift before it was gone. I can honestly say the guilt is just as bad as the grief.
Do I know that this guilt is irrational? Yes.
Does that knowledge make it any better? No.
These past three weeks have been hard. Not only do I have good days and bad days, I have good hours and bad hours, and sometimes good moments and bad moments. The oddest things will trigger those emotions to come flooding to the surface.
Now I have a wonderful family and support system who has been there for me. I have a husband who has given me time to grieve. However, I have four living children who need for life to go on, and I am the one that makes those everyday things happen. I have had to get back into things, errands, grocery store, the bank, the library, etc.
Most people that I see have no idea of the turmoil that has been in my heart. There have been those that have been kinder than necessary, and have given grace where I have failed. Many times over the past few weeks it has been strangers giving an extra smile or a greeting that has turned a bad moment into a good one. I may never see those people again, and they probably will never know what one small gesture meant to a Momma who was hurting. However, it has opened my eyes to "You never know what a person is facing, so be kinder than necessary."
