Be Kinder Than Necessary

Mama Dantzler used to say, "You never know what a person is facing, so always be kinder than necessary."  I never really thought too much about it while she was alive. Sure I was kind to people all of the time, when they deserved it!
These past few weeks that saying has taken a new meaning to me. 
Back in November, Joe and I found out we were expecting baby number five. I knew that this baby like all babies was a precious gift and I loved him instantly.  You know that love that you can't explain but settles deep in your heart?  Yeah, that kind of love.
I want to tell you that I was thrilled and excited and over the moon and wanting to tell the whole world what a wonderful gift we had been given....but I can't. 
Because I have to be honest with myself.  Although I knew that this baby was a gift, and I was in love with him, I was also scared. 
Scared of a fifth c-section, of how my body would respond, of how my doctor was going to flip out on me, of what other people would say, or if they didn't say it what they would think. "She can't just be satisfied with the ones she has, she has her hands full already, how is she going to manage that?"
I did get excited, and at Thanksgiving we told our parents.  But through it all, that fear stayed in my mind.  I just couldn't trust that everything was going to be okay.
And then....one day it wasn't okay.
12-01-2013  Our baby was gone.
My heart was shattered as I grieved the loss of a little life that only a handful of people even knew about.  Not only that but I was bombarded with feelings of guilt.  I should have trusted.  I should not have let fear control me.  I should have shouted from the rooftops about this gift before it was gone.  I can honestly say the guilt is just as bad as the grief. 
Do I know that this guilt is irrational?  Yes.
Does that knowledge make it any better?  No.
These past three weeks have been hard.  Not only do I have good days and bad days, I have good hours and bad hours, and sometimes good moments and bad moments.  The oddest things will trigger those emotions to come flooding to the surface.
Now I have a wonderful family and support system who has been there for me.  I have a husband who has given me time to grieve.  However, I have four living children who need for life to go on, and I am the one that makes those everyday things happen.  I have had to get back into things, errands, grocery store, the bank, the library, etc. 
Most people that I see have no idea of the turmoil that has been in my heart.  There have been those that have been kinder than necessary, and have given grace where I have failed. Many times over the past few weeks it has been strangers giving an extra smile or a greeting that has turned a bad moment into a good one.  I may never see those people again, and they probably will never know what one small gesture meant to a Momma who was hurting.  However, it has opened my eyes to "You never know what a person is facing, so be kinder than necessary."

Cub Mobile Derby

I don't think that I have posted on here about Noah joining Cub Scouts.  He joined this past October and so far has loved it.  It has given him lots of new experiences, many outside his comfort zone, but he has kept going back for more.  It has been awesome watching him grow through the program. 
Last weekend was the annual Cub Mobile race and you know nothing gets my crew excited like something that has wheels.  Joe and Noah set out to build the very best Cub Mobile ever.  They had grand plans for motors, special wheels, turbos.....you name and they wanted to do it.  Of course they were set back a little in their dreams by the rules, regulations, and specifications of the official Cub Mobile plans, but they had fun anyway.
Noah chose the color (Peterbilt Green just like the truck his Daddy drives) and scrounged around back at the shop until he found some old Peterbilt symbols to use for decoration.  He painted his wheels "Chrome" and they even attached a Peterbilt gear shifter knob to the brake on the Cub Mobile.

~The side view~

 

~The front view~

 

~Ready to go~

They raced down that hill that is beside Rizer Chevrolet.  Noah was one of the very few that did not crash, and he came in second in his division.  No matter how the awards would have come out, he had a great day all around.  I don't think I have ever seen him (or Joe) smile that much!  They are already talking about how to improve the Cub Mobile for next year while staying within regulations...something about precision balanced bearings in the wheels....
I have to say, I am looking forward to it as well!

Happy Birthday

"It is a good deal like a bad tooth...though you won't think THAT a very romantic simile.  It takes spells of aching and gives you a sleepless night now and then, but between times it lets you enjoy life and dreams and echoes and peanut candy as if there were nothing the matter with it."  ~ Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

That is one of my favorite quotes out of the "Anne" books.  It comes at the point when Miss Lavendar is talking to Anne about a broken heart, but it can be used for so many things.  I think grief is a lot like that.  There are days when it lets you go on about your life as you please and then there are those other days...those special days....birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas...when the pain is still so strong that it sucks the breath right out of your chest.

Today is one of those days.  Granny Faye's birthday is today and for the second year in a row she is celebrating in heaven.  I know that she is experiencing a far better day than I could ever plan for her if she were here, but oh to just have that chance again...

If she were here and I had that chance, I would of course get her some type of flower because she just loved watching things come to life this time of year.  Then I would complain about this rain and she would remind me to be thankful for it.  She would fuss at me for not having shoes on Ezrah.....

Oh Ezrah, she would get to hold him and smear lipstick on his cheek because I know she would kiss him.  She would LOVE his curls, but she would probably tell me it is time that I cut them.  And although she never met him, if I close my eyes I can almost see him sitting in her lap and that look of pure joy that passed on her face any time she was around my children.....

I can see her smile, smell her scent, and hear her voice...and I miss her so much.  Soon the boys will be up, and in the chaos of the day the sorrow will take a back burner.  It will allow me to "enjoy life and dreams and echoes and peanut candy" as I help my children remember their Granny Faye on this day.  But for now it leaves me sleepless and with an aching heart....

Happy Birthday in heaven Granny Faye.

Dr. Seuss

This weekend we spent time doing something none of us had ever done before.  We attended the reenactment of the Battle for Broxton Bridge.  It was a two day field trip that had been planned for over a month.  The boys and I went Friday morning and spent about five hours touring the campsites of Civil War soldiers, a chapel, post office, hospital, blacksmith shop, and learning all about artillery used during the War Between the States.

Saturday we brought Joe along for the actual reenactment of the battle and both sets of my parents joined us for the afternoon.

Let me explain...there is a reason my kids look like they are going out in a hunting party.  The guns of course were souvenirs and don't actually shoot!  When we are in large crowds I find it is easier to dress them all in the same color so that I can easily spot them (especially when I am by myself with four rambunctious boys).  The preferred color used to be red, but it was too common and was getting confusing.  I really wanted to put them in pink, but they rebelled, so we compromised on orange.  I figured Joe was distinctive enough on his own that I would not need to put him in orange to find him....but since he still has his winter beard, and seeing all of these soldiers, I think I should have color coded him too!

 

See what I mean!

 

 

The battle was interesting.  We had never seen anything like that.  The boys of course loved all of the cannons, loud guns, and horses.

 

 I personally was fascinated by the way the ladies were dressed.  However, I am so thankful that I was not born during that time period.  I am pretty sure I would have been a rebel too....but in an entirely different sense!

So...what does all of this have to do with Dr. Seuss?  Yesterday was the birthday of Dr. Seuss, a favorite author around here. We could not celebrate then because of our planned field trip.  So today (a day late) we had a Dr. Seuss party.  Ham and spinach quiche served as our "green eggs and ham" and most of my crew tore into it.  Micah however has a bug so he didn't even get a taste.  He did manage however to sit up long enough for me to read him some of our favorite Dr. Seuss books.

So there you have it.  Our fun filled weekend of battles and birthday parties.

Happy Belated Birthday Dr. Seuss!

A Boy Valentine

Valentine's Day is something that has to be celebrated very carefully around here.  There is only so much gushy love and flowery hearts that will be tolerated by a group of guys.  I did my best to help the boys create masculine valentines for their friends and family members this year.

They appreciated the log truck pic and Noah enjoyed the play on his "ould" words.  But other than that they were a little upset that we couldn't find "guy" heart stickers.

And speaking of masculine hearts, it is very hard to buy a boy a gift on Valentine's especially if you want to stay away from the sugary sweets.  The boys and I went into TSC on Monday to pick up some paint and saw that they had a new shipment of baby chicks just arriving.  Of course they fell in love and begged for some.  I did not get them then but went back late last night and picked up twelve, three for each boy and we gave them to them for a Valentine's Day gift.  They were very excited to get up this morning and discover chicks in the house.

Joe does a great job for Valentines to make me feel special, and he does try his best to teach the boys how to treat me special so that they will learn how to treat their wives someday.  He took the boys Valentine shopping this week so they could pick something out for me.  (Side note here...when Joe goes out with all of the boys he gets admiring stares, compliments on their behavior, and comments like "You are so brave" and "Your wife is very lucky".  Not sure what I am doing wrong because all I get is "Bless your heart" and "You know if you clipped coupons, you might be able to save enough to afford a sitter while you shop".)  He let each of the boys pick out a card and they got me some beautiful potted tulips.  He said he tried to guide them, but let them have the final say in what cards they chose for me.  I have to say that Noah did a great job at getting an appropriate sweet Valentine's card for me.  Micah picked out a cute tri-fold card filled with Dalmatians.  The first words were "We grandkids got together to send this valentine to you..."  The little fellow was so proud that he had picked it out all by himself!  Then Jonah's card was even better.  It had roses all over the front and started out with "My Love, I don't ever want you to think I take you for granted" and went on to tell me how comfortable I am to be with and how beautiful I make his life.  Needless to say, their cards brought lots of smiles and I will treasure them always.

Tonight we did something a little different.  I didn't want to get too mushy and gushy, but I did want to treat the day special.  For dinner, I served all of my men in Cupid's Crazy Cafe.  Now before you go any further let me tell you that I did not come up with this on my own.  I found it on a very cute website called The Dating Divas.  I converted our kitchen table into a fancy restaurant table, complete with flickering candlelight.





This was such a fancy restaurant that we only served kings and queens, and of course all kings and queens wear crowns...right?  To be fair, the crowns were supposed to be red, but my printer was acting wonky!



Each seat had a Cupid's Crazy Cafe menu for each person to fill out.

The inside of the menu looked like this....

Each person had to use up all eight numbers of the love inspired dishes in the order that they would like to receive them before anything was served.  Jonah took this job very seriously.



What they did not know was that I had prepared a cheat sheet that let me know what each of those love inspired items stood for.

Poor Joe ended up the worst of all as he did not get a spoon or fork until dessert.  Noah ended up with meatloaf and strawberry cake for dessert!

Micah enjoyed getting to eat his cake before his meal, but didn't get his drink until the dessert round.

Ezrah ate more cool whip off of the top of the cake than anything else, and some of it even got in his mouth.

And let me just say once again that Joe is such a good sport.  I love that man more every day.  He is so dedicated to our boys and he just goes right along with whatever crazy plans I have up my sleeve.  By the way, you know you have officially lost it when you are relaxing after dinner and realize that you and your husband are the only ones in the house still wearing paper crowns on your heads!

 

 

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

 

 

 

Pulling The Plug

In church last week, our Pastor did a children's sermon on Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent.  He obviously did a good job because that was all my children could talk about over Sunday dinner.  Pastor Larry had suggested giving up hard candy...but my kids took it a bit further.  Just the night before, Joe and I had been complaining about the cost of our Dish Network television service.  Our kids (all on their own) decided that they would like to get rid of the television until Easter and give away the money that we would have spent on the service.

Now I will admit right here that I tried to talk them out of this plan.  I utilize the television a lot during school hours when I need to work alone with one child.  I probably use it much more than I should, but because of this...I was the only holdout.  I looked to Joe for backup, since I just knew he would be against missing Swamp People, Axe Men, and Duck Dynasty in the evenings...but he was actually on board with the boys.  So, outnumbered and overruled, I agreed that as a family we would give up television for Lent.

I called this morning and officially pulled the plug on Dish Network.  We are planning on after Easter going to some sort of subscription such as Netflix or Hulu, but we need to see how these next few weeks go first.  The withdrawals have not started yet, and this may surprise me and turn out to be an easy transition...or not.  I think I am going to have to get creative!

Snakes

I am raising boys, and sometimes they do really boy things.  Boy things that make me cringe, shake my head, and mostly laugh.  More times than not, if I ask why they do the things they do, I regret ever asking.

Today was a different type of day for me.  I ended up in town with only two kids, Micah and Ezrah.  Micah had spent the night before with his Pappy and Linnie, and was so excited because Pappy had given him FOUR whole quarters for helping him take care of his plants.  I promised Micah that we could go to the Dollar Tree so that he could spend his money.

When we got to the Store, of course Micah had to look at every item on every shelf to make sure that he was getting exactly what he wanted.  He ended up choosing a pack of toothpicks.  (See what I mean about shaking my head!)  Anyway, he carried his toothpicks around with pride as I finished up getting the few items I needed. 

I noticed that Micah would take a few steps, then stop and wiggle his behind.  I watched this for a few minutes and then curiosity got the best of me and I asked him what he was doing.  He looked up at me and proudly (along with loudly) proclaimed.  "I am playing with the snake that lives in my pants!"  This would be the shaking my head, cringing, and regretting I ever asked all in the same moment.  However, my morbid curiosity would not let me drop it at that.  I just knew there had to be some explanation so I asked him what he meant and he said, "Just listen Momma!"  At that point he did his little butt wiggle again and I heard the clinking together of the four quarters my Dad had given him earlier.  He said that was the "snake" in his pants rattling. 

I had to laugh, and then offered to pay for his toothpicks so he could continue playing with the snake in his pants.  So, if you see Micah doing a little butt wiggle every now and then, there is no need to ask, just listen carefully for the rattle of the snake in his pants!

How did I do?

 

Last year  I resolved...

...to not yell at my children.
Ummmm, I think I broke that one on January 1st, and 2nd, and 3rd....but, I did remember to apologize to my children when I lost my temper or treated them unfairly.  Hopefully that makes up for something.

...to remember that not everyone is comfortable with me nursing in public.
I actually did do this until June when my Mom made me such a cute little nursing cover.  I just had to show it off a couple of times in public!

...to make school more fun.
I'm still working on this one.  Each day gets a little more fun!

...to put my husband's needs above my own.
This was a hard one for me.  If I am honest, poor Joe sometimes gets pushed to the side.  He takes care of me so well and complains so little, that sometimes I overlook his needs.  I am striving to be a better wife than he is a husband...but that will take a lot of work.

...to exercise every day.
Well, I got out of bed every day.  Exercising is hard when you have four little ones, but I have done okay.  Getting everyone involved in exercise has been the key for us...even if it is just a walk to the mailbox and back.

...to work on that filter between my brain and my mouth.
Can we just skip this one?

...to do better at keeping in touch with extended family.
I have tried.  Sometimes it is frustrating when you try and try and get no effort back in return.  However, I will not give up on letting my family know how important they are to me, because it is not about whether or not they reciprocate....Granny Faye taught me that you never wait for the other person to speak first. 

...to stop procrastinating.
I have given up on this one.  It just isn't in my nature.  I work better under pressure anyway.

...to keep up with my blog, this includes updating the events I have missed.
Obviously that has not happened since I blogged a whopping 17 times during the entire year of 2012.  I do want to work on this though.  I enjoy blogging and am just going to have to make the time to continue.

...to be nice, even when people provoke me to be naughty.
Yeah, we are skipping this one too.

...to stop using so many ellipses in my writing.
Ugh!  It has gotten worse.  Now not only am I using excessive ellipses, I have also been reduced to using LOL, and :-) to express my emotions in writing.  I tell myself that I am going to stop....and then it happens again!

...to thank God more and take for granted less.
I have certainly tried to to this, and my children have been a great help in that area.  There is nothing like viewing the world through a child's eyes to make you thankful.

...to keep up with the laundry in my house.
Skipping again.  Really?  Whatever even made me think that was possible?

...to not stress over muddy footprints on a clean kitchen floor.
Hmmm, to be honest, I never really stressed over them anyway!  So that was an easy one for me.  Maybe I should have tried to stress over the state of my floors a little more.


So....my 2012 resolutions were pretty much a bust!  That doesn't mean though that I will not have 2013 resolutions.  I think it is important to keep trying, to keep striving toward that goal, even though we know we will never meet perfect this side of heaven.

Halfway There

This week is a milestone week in the Givens home.  Noah's birthday is Wednesday.  My first baby boy will be nine years old.  NINE!  I can hardly believe it.  He is so excited that he will be in his last single digit year.  However, for me it is a little bittersweet.  NINE....
I am a numbers person.  Different combinations of numbers run in my mind all of the time.  Strange I know, just add it to the growing list of strange things about me.  So anyway when I hear nine I automatically think about 9+9=18.  EIGHTEEN...the year my first baby boy will become a legal adult.  My time as his legal guardian is half over.  HALF OVER! That takes my breath away.
Where did it go? How can this be true?  It seems as if just yesterday I was standing in the bathroom of our first home staring at a piece of plastic as a second pink line was gradually appearing and I realized that my life had changed forever.  Now half of the time I am allotted to mold and shape him has gone. 
In realizing that half of my time has slipped away I am plagued with the guilt that every parent has.  Have I done enough?  I think of all the times that I know I could have done more.  Could have read one more story, splashed one more time in the bath, raced matchbox cars, said prayers, gave hugs, taught him more...I could go on and on.  I look at Noah and wonder if I am doing it right, if he is going to turn out okay.
This has plagued me for about a week now, but today Noah gave me the best confirmation ever.  See he asked for only one thing for Christmas.  He wanted a blue pedal go-cart from Tractor Supply Company.  Joe and I were able to purchase it for him and he has had the best time with that thing.  I believe we got our money's worth of fun out of it on Christmas day.  Everything else has just been a bonus.  I have loved watching Noah enjoy his gift and seeing him light up when he is on it.
This evening Noah came into the house with tears streaming down his face.  I asked him if he was hurt and he shook his head no.  In between sobs he told me that he had decided to give his blue pedal go-cart to his brother Jonah.  I didn't understand.  When I asked him why, he looked at me with those sweet gentle eyes of his and said, "Mom, have you seen how much he loves it? He smiles so big when he rides it.  As much as I love it, I think he loves it even more."  I grabbed Noah and held on tight.  Tears were streaming down my face at that moment too.  It took a while for me to form a response.  My sweet Noah was willing to give up something that he loved, even though it was tearing him up, just so someone else could be happy. 
Yep, my Noah is going to turn out just fine....and the best part is that he still has nine more years to keep teaching me how to be just like him.