Procrastination

***If you are not into rambling, you may want to skip this post!***
I have not blogged in a while. I could come up with all sorts of reasons, but there is really only one. Every time I sat down to blog, I felt the need to blog about Jonah and I just was not ready to do that. The last time I gave an update on Jonah it was here, and I left off with the gastrointerologist wanting to check for a zinc deficiency. They did check for that and turns out that is not the problem. Up until that point the doctors had been testing for various diseases that they thought were causing the problem and we were sort of hoping that he actually had one of those things because that would mean that we knew what was causing the problem and could treat it relatively easily with either medication or avoidance of certain items.
That line of reasoning went out the window a couple of weeks ago when we saw Jonah's allergist again. They drew a boatload of blood and started the testing for things that no parent "wants" their child to have. Things that scared me to my core. Things that I did not even want to think about, much less blog about.
I am a bury your head in the sand type of person. As crazy as it is, I still believe that if I ignore a problem long enough, it just may go away. I was supposed to call in this past Friday and get the results. I put it off because it was Good Friday. (At least that is what I convinced myself the reason was.) I put off calling yesterday because I worked outside the home all day. I could not come up with a reason NOT to call today, so I bit the bullet and put in a call this morning. Of course the morning that I get the courage up to call, they tell me that the Dr. is out of the office and will not return my call until tomorrow.
I sit here tonight waiting and worrying about what the call tomorrow will bring. I'm scared and a part of me does not even want to know what the Dr. is going to say. I am trying to remind myself that just because they tested for something, it does not mean that is what he has. We have had multiple negative tests come back before. I know that there is a great chance that these tests will show nothing. But I also know that there is a possibility that they will show something or else why would they bother to test? Ugh, I want the wondering to be over, but If the results are not what I want to hear, then I don't even think I want to know them.
I just reread what I have written and realized how many times I used the words "I" and "want". The truth is that "I" have no control over the situation whatsoever. The One who does have the control already knows what the results are. If I believe Romans 8:28, (which I happen to believe) then I have to believe that the results whether bad or good are what God has planned for our lives and that plan is what is best for us. He is in control. He always has been and always will be, no matter what results we get.
Okay, I think I am done rambling for now! I can't say that I really feel better, and reading back over this it is just as jumbled up as it is in my head, but at least I got it all out of my head. Thanks for "listening" to my thoughts!