Relief and Disappointment

I have discovered the past couple of weeks that both of these emotions can occur hand in hand.

It started out by me realizing that I was late. Not late as in late for work...but the other kind of late. I started calculating and figured that I was REALLY late, two weeks to be exact. My first thought was that I was going to have to eat the words that I wrote here. We were not trying to have a baby right now, in fact we were doing the opposite! I immediately tested and watched as only one line appeared. I checked every five minutes for an hour, but only one line ever appeared. This was my routine every morning for a week. I started to think that it was because I was using tests from the Dollar Tree, so I went out and bought the brand name EPT...still only one line. One morning, I woke up and there was no longer a need to take a test. I was sooo relieved that I was not prego, but then almost simultaneously came the feeling of disappointment. I was sad and relieved at the same time. I still do not understand how I could be sad at the loss of something that never even existed, yet I know what I felt.

I experienced that dual feeling again today. Jonah's doctor called with all of his lab results. Everything they tested came back normal. That is great news, hence the feeling of relief. There were no masses, obstructions, or signs of celiac present. However, it also means that we still do not know what is making him so sick or what will make him better. I am disappointed that I still do not have any answers for my child.

I know that it could be so much worse; but at the same time, it could be so much better. As a mother I only want what is best for my child and I refuse to believe that constant diarrhea and bleeding, peeling, itchy skin are the best that we can achieve. Next week he has visits with his pediatrician (pneumonia check), the allergist, and more bloodwork with the GI. There is one more thing that the GI wants to test. Unfortunately it has come to the point that we are going into this looking for relief, but preparing for disappointment.