Sometimes being a Mom is hard.....harder than I ever imagined it would be. It is tiring, dirty, thankless, and never ending. It is also at the same time invigorating, beautiful, priceless, and it passes too fast.
On those days when I am "in the trenches" I tend to forget those good things and only seem to be able to focus on the hard parts. It isn't just the kids that causes me to lose focus, there have been financial issues, work conflicts, and just life in general weighing down on me.
Since I love being a Mom and know that is my number one priority in life, when I get bogged down focusing on the not so pretty parts of my job I become very hard on myself. It is so easy to slip into that self doubt and the lie that you aren't good enough.
For example, I get advice all the time. Sometimes it is from other moms who are in the trenches just like me. Sometimes it is from mom's who were in the trenches many years ago. Sometimes it is from people who have as much experience with parenting as I have with sewing. I never mind the advice and usually welcome it.....except when I am in this cycle of beating up on myself.
When they say: What worked for me is....
What I hear is: You are doing it wrong.
When they say: Have you tried......
What I hear is: You are doing it wrong.
When they say: You should do.....
What I hear is: You are doing it wrong.
Now I know that what I hear is not what they are saying, and this isn't an attack on the well intentioned advice givers. This is an honest observance of what I hear.
Do I want the advice givers to stop? For the most part, No. I recognize the wisdom of learning from those that have been there and done that.
What I want is to silence that part of my brain that tells me I am a failure. I want to be confident enough in the love and care that I have for my children to know that God gave them to ME because I am the best person for that job.
I am doing my best to remind myself of this every day. I was chosen for this job for a reason. I have what it takes to raise these boys.
In the meantime, If I bristle at your advice or have to remove myself from it, please try and remember what it was like when you were in the trenches. When the days seem to last forever and there was never enough sleep and you second guessed every decision you made. And if you can't remember those days please show some grace to the ones who are living it now.
Reading back over this it sounds like I am miserable. That is not the case. I love my life here with my husband and my kids. Just because I love it though does not mean that it is easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. This job is hard.....but it is so worth every minute.
Someday these "in the trenches" days will be a distant memory. I want it to be a good memory, one of knowing it was hard and still pressing on doing my best and loving my kids.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Bedtime
So it is that time of night. Everyone is finally asleep and I get to sit back and have 17 seconds of total "me" time before exhaustion kicks in and I pass out. Or so I think. Then I hear......Mommy.....
Mommy?
Yes Micah, what do you need?
I need a tissue.
I will be right there.
Now let me say this was not the first "Mommy" I had heard tonight. First he needed to get up to change underwear. The ones he had on were too baggy. Then he needed to get a drink. Then he needed the magic spider spray (a water bottle filled with scented water) because it had been three days since he last sprayed and it might wear off in the middle of the night. Then his pillow was missing. Then he forgot to give me a hug. Then he needed to change underwear because these were too tight. Then he had a question about electricity and breaker boxes. Yes. This was all in the course of bedtime tonight.
I let off a sigh of frustration as I made my way through the mine field of Legos, army men, and truck parts. When I got to his bed with his tissue, he looked up at me and with complete sincerity said....
I am sorry I keep making you madder and madder.
His words took my breath away. How could I possibly let this sweet child go to sleep thinking that the person who loved him most in this world was mad because he needed a tissue? I gave him a hug and told him I was not mad and we cuddled until he fell asleep.
Now I am left up thinking about my attitude with my children. I am with them all day every day. At the end of the day I am certainly tired. However, no longer will I view bedtime as the five o clock whistle in a factory. I don't ever want one of my children to think that I am eager to be done with them for the day or that I am mad that I have had to work overtime.
It seems never ending now, but in just a few short years I will not hear that cry of Mommy in the night. And I know beyond a doubt I will miss it. Sometimes it takes the words of a five year old to put things into perspective. "Me time" will come later. They do eventually sleep...just maybe not all of them at once!
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Today
Today
I should have gotten up before dawn;
but instead I slept in.
Today
I should have grabbed my pillow while Joe grabbed the packed bag;
but instead I packed the snacks and he picked up ice.
Today
I should have chattered anxiously all the way to the hospital;
but instead I chattered casually with my Mom as we walked to the beach.
Today
I should have been listening to the sounds of medical monitors;
but instead I listened to the waves crash into the shore.
Today
I should have been laying on an operating table in a sterile room;
but instead I was laying on a beach mat dusted with sand.
Today
I should have been teasing my husband about passing out on me;
but instead I thanked my husband for being my rock the past months.
Today
I should have held and kissed my number five for the first time;
but instead I held and kissed my other four for the millionth time.
Today
My heart should have been overflowing with love and joy;
......and it was.
I will forever grieve and miss the baby that I did not get a chance to hold;
but I will forever be grateful for the perspective that he brought into my life.
For as long as that ache of losing our baby is there;
so is the reminder that tomorrow is not promised.
No matter what today should have been;
make it a day to love your family and friends.
I should have gotten up before dawn;
but instead I slept in.
Today
I should have grabbed my pillow while Joe grabbed the packed bag;
but instead I packed the snacks and he picked up ice.
Today
I should have chattered anxiously all the way to the hospital;
but instead I chattered casually with my Mom as we walked to the beach.
Today
I should have been listening to the sounds of medical monitors;
but instead I listened to the waves crash into the shore.
Today
I should have been laying on an operating table in a sterile room;
but instead I was laying on a beach mat dusted with sand.
Today
I should have been teasing my husband about passing out on me;
but instead I thanked my husband for being my rock the past months.
Today
I should have held and kissed my number five for the first time;
but instead I held and kissed my other four for the millionth time.
Today
My heart should have been overflowing with love and joy;
......and it was.
I will forever grieve and miss the baby that I did not get a chance to hold;
but I will forever be grateful for the perspective that he brought into my life.
For as long as that ache of losing our baby is there;
so is the reminder that tomorrow is not promised.
No matter what today should have been;
make it a day to love your family and friends.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Bath Time
My boys hate bath time. They love play in the tub time, but that scrub behind your ears and wash your hair time is something I have to practically force them to do. They are masters at avoiding it too. This is a conversation that took place at Micah's last bath time.
Micah come on it is time for your bath.
(He reaches over and touches the water like it is poison)
I'm not getting in.
Why not?
The water is too hot.
No it is not, now come on. I don't have all day.
It is so too hot. It will burn my pee-pee off.
No it will not.
You try it first and see if it burns your pee-pee off.
I am not getting in the tub and I don't have a pee-pee.
(Let me just say here that I know that was a rookie mistake, but I wasn't thinking...I just wanted the kid to take a bath!)
You don't have a pee-pee?
No, now get in the tub.
Did the hot water already burn yours off?
NO! I never had a pee-pee.
Why not?
Because I am a girl.
So?
Girls don't have pee-pees only boys.
You are joking.
No I am not.
But Daddy has a pee-pee.
Yes, Daddy is a boy.
No only me and my brothers are boys. Daddy is an adult.
But he used to be a boy so he still has his pee-pee.
And when you turned into a girl yours fell off?
NO! I never had one. I was always a girl.
I think I need to talk to Daddy about this.
I think that is a good idea.
(Micah leaves to go talk with Joe and comes back just a few minutes later.)
But Momma why do boys have pee-pees and girls do not?
Because God made us that way.
Are you sure?
Yes. What did Daddy say?
He said the same thing.
Then why did you ask me?
Because I thought he was lying.
Your Daddy doesn't lie to you.
Well it just doesn't SOUND true.
Well it sounds like to me it is time for your bath.
Do ghosts have pee-pees?
(Talk about being thrown for a loop. I had no idea where that came from!)
Ummmm.....well I guess it depends on if it is a girl or a boy.
A girl one.
No, A girl ghost would not have a pee-pee.
Not a ghost, goats...like Twinkle and Christal.
Oh, no. We have girls goats so they do not have pee-pees.
You told me ghosts weren't real.
They aren't.
So boy ghosts have imaginary pee-pees?
I suppose so. Now, please get in the tub.
(Micah leans over again and touches the water like it will kill him)
I can't.
Why not?
The water is too cold now.
Yes that is seriously what it is like to begin to scrub these boys clean!
Micah come on it is time for your bath.
(He reaches over and touches the water like it is poison)
I'm not getting in.
Why not?
The water is too hot.
No it is not, now come on. I don't have all day.
It is so too hot. It will burn my pee-pee off.
No it will not.
You try it first and see if it burns your pee-pee off.
I am not getting in the tub and I don't have a pee-pee.
(Let me just say here that I know that was a rookie mistake, but I wasn't thinking...I just wanted the kid to take a bath!)
You don't have a pee-pee?
No, now get in the tub.
Did the hot water already burn yours off?
NO! I never had a pee-pee.
Why not?
Because I am a girl.
So?
Girls don't have pee-pees only boys.
You are joking.
No I am not.
But Daddy has a pee-pee.
Yes, Daddy is a boy.
No only me and my brothers are boys. Daddy is an adult.
But he used to be a boy so he still has his pee-pee.
And when you turned into a girl yours fell off?
NO! I never had one. I was always a girl.
I think I need to talk to Daddy about this.
I think that is a good idea.
(Micah leaves to go talk with Joe and comes back just a few minutes later.)
But Momma why do boys have pee-pees and girls do not?
Because God made us that way.
Are you sure?
Yes. What did Daddy say?
He said the same thing.
Then why did you ask me?
Because I thought he was lying.
Your Daddy doesn't lie to you.
Well it just doesn't SOUND true.
Well it sounds like to me it is time for your bath.
Do ghosts have pee-pees?
(Talk about being thrown for a loop. I had no idea where that came from!)
Ummmm.....well I guess it depends on if it is a girl or a boy.
A girl one.
No, A girl ghost would not have a pee-pee.
Not a ghost, goats...like Twinkle and Christal.
Oh, no. We have girls goats so they do not have pee-pees.
You told me ghosts weren't real.
They aren't.
So boy ghosts have imaginary pee-pees?
I suppose so. Now, please get in the tub.
(Micah leans over again and touches the water like it will kill him)
I can't.
Why not?
The water is too cold now.
Yes that is seriously what it is like to begin to scrub these boys clean!
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Lists
I am a list maker. Nothing satisfies me more than starting the day by making a list (or sometimes I even do it the night before) and then using my pink highlighter to mark a line through each item cleaned, or packed, or cooked, or ordered, or mailed, or taught, or bought.....yes, I make that many lists!
Somewhere along the way though I have started keeping mental lists as well. I realized today that I have been keeping an ongoing list in my head of the things that have gone wrong this week. And it was getting to be quite a lengthy list! A child having an allergic reaction, a wiring problem in my house, a busted cell phone, two MAJOR mechanical problems with two separate trucks, a truck driver wrecking into a huge tree....seriously I could keep going.
However it dawned on me that while I am compiling this list of things that went wrong, I haven't once listed the things that went right. I and my family woke up EVERY morning, I didn't fall down when I got out of bed, water came out of my faucet when I washed my face, I saw my reflection when I looked in the mirror, there was food in my pantry when I went to cook breakfast, my to do list was right where I had put it...once again, I could keep going.
My list of what has gone right greatly outweighs the list of what has gone wrong. So why do I do that? Why do I focus on what has been wrong instead of right? It is because I take things going right for granted .....and maybe having them go wrong every once in a while teaches me to not do that.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
Somewhere along the way though I have started keeping mental lists as well. I realized today that I have been keeping an ongoing list in my head of the things that have gone wrong this week. And it was getting to be quite a lengthy list! A child having an allergic reaction, a wiring problem in my house, a busted cell phone, two MAJOR mechanical problems with two separate trucks, a truck driver wrecking into a huge tree....seriously I could keep going.
However it dawned on me that while I am compiling this list of things that went wrong, I haven't once listed the things that went right. I and my family woke up EVERY morning, I didn't fall down when I got out of bed, water came out of my faucet when I washed my face, I saw my reflection when I looked in the mirror, there was food in my pantry when I went to cook breakfast, my to do list was right where I had put it...once again, I could keep going.
My list of what has gone right greatly outweighs the list of what has gone wrong. So why do I do that? Why do I focus on what has been wrong instead of right? It is because I take things going right for granted .....and maybe having them go wrong every once in a while teaches me to not do that.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Be Kinder Than Necessary
Mama Dantzler used to say, "You never know what a person is facing, so always be kinder than necessary." I never really thought too much about it while she was alive. Sure I was kind to people all of the time, when they deserved it!
These past few weeks that saying has taken a new meaning to me.
Back in November, Joe and I found out we were expecting baby number five. I knew that this baby like all babies was a precious gift and I loved him instantly. You know that love that you can't explain but settles deep in your heart? Yeah, that kind of love.
I want to tell you that I was thrilled and excited and over the moon and wanting to tell the whole world what a wonderful gift we had been given....but I can't.
Because I have to be honest with myself. Although I knew that this baby was a gift, and I was in love with him, I was also scared.
Scared of a fifth c-section, of how my body would respond, of how my doctor was going to flip out on me, of what other people would say, or if they didn't say it what they would think. "She can't just be satisfied with the ones she has, she has her hands full already, how is she going to manage that?"
I did get excited, and at Thanksgiving we told our parents. But through it all, that fear stayed in my mind. I just couldn't trust that everything was going to be okay.
And then....one day it wasn't okay.
12-01-2013 Our baby was gone.
My heart was shattered as I grieved the loss of a little life that only a handful of people even knew about. Not only that but I was bombarded with feelings of guilt. I should have trusted. I should not have let fear control me. I should have shouted from the rooftops about this gift before it was gone. I can honestly say the guilt is just as bad as the grief.
Do I know that this guilt is irrational? Yes.
Does that knowledge make it any better? No.
These past three weeks have been hard. Not only do I have good days and bad days, I have good hours and bad hours, and sometimes good moments and bad moments. The oddest things will trigger those emotions to come flooding to the surface.
Now I have a wonderful family and support system who has been there for me. I have a husband who has given me time to grieve. However, I have four living children who need for life to go on, and I am the one that makes those everyday things happen. I have had to get back into things, errands, grocery store, the bank, the library, etc.
Most people that I see have no idea of the turmoil that has been in my heart. There have been those that have been kinder than necessary, and have given grace where I have failed. Many times over the past few weeks it has been strangers giving an extra smile or a greeting that has turned a bad moment into a good one. I may never see those people again, and they probably will never know what one small gesture meant to a Momma who was hurting. However, it has opened my eyes to "You never know what a person is facing, so be kinder than necessary."
These past few weeks that saying has taken a new meaning to me.
Back in November, Joe and I found out we were expecting baby number five. I knew that this baby like all babies was a precious gift and I loved him instantly. You know that love that you can't explain but settles deep in your heart? Yeah, that kind of love.
I want to tell you that I was thrilled and excited and over the moon and wanting to tell the whole world what a wonderful gift we had been given....but I can't.
Because I have to be honest with myself. Although I knew that this baby was a gift, and I was in love with him, I was also scared.
Scared of a fifth c-section, of how my body would respond, of how my doctor was going to flip out on me, of what other people would say, or if they didn't say it what they would think. "She can't just be satisfied with the ones she has, she has her hands full already, how is she going to manage that?"
I did get excited, and at Thanksgiving we told our parents. But through it all, that fear stayed in my mind. I just couldn't trust that everything was going to be okay.
And then....one day it wasn't okay.
12-01-2013 Our baby was gone.
My heart was shattered as I grieved the loss of a little life that only a handful of people even knew about. Not only that but I was bombarded with feelings of guilt. I should have trusted. I should not have let fear control me. I should have shouted from the rooftops about this gift before it was gone. I can honestly say the guilt is just as bad as the grief.
Do I know that this guilt is irrational? Yes.
Does that knowledge make it any better? No.
These past three weeks have been hard. Not only do I have good days and bad days, I have good hours and bad hours, and sometimes good moments and bad moments. The oddest things will trigger those emotions to come flooding to the surface.
Now I have a wonderful family and support system who has been there for me. I have a husband who has given me time to grieve. However, I have four living children who need for life to go on, and I am the one that makes those everyday things happen. I have had to get back into things, errands, grocery store, the bank, the library, etc.
Most people that I see have no idea of the turmoil that has been in my heart. There have been those that have been kinder than necessary, and have given grace where I have failed. Many times over the past few weeks it has been strangers giving an extra smile or a greeting that has turned a bad moment into a good one. I may never see those people again, and they probably will never know what one small gesture meant to a Momma who was hurting. However, it has opened my eyes to "You never know what a person is facing, so be kinder than necessary."
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Cub Mobile Derby
I don't think that I have posted on here about Noah joining Cub Scouts. He joined this past October and so far has loved it. It has given him lots of new experiences, many outside his comfort zone, but he has kept going back for more. It has been awesome watching him grow through the program.
Last weekend was the annual Cub Mobile race and you know nothing gets my crew excited like something that has wheels. Joe and Noah set out to build the very best Cub Mobile ever. They had grand plans for motors, special wheels, turbos.....you name and they wanted to do it. Of course they were set back a little in their dreams by the rules, regulations, and specifications of the official Cub Mobile plans, but they had fun anyway.
Noah chose the color (Peterbilt Green just like the truck his Daddy drives) and scrounged around back at the shop until he found some old Peterbilt symbols to use for decoration. He painted his wheels "Chrome" and they even attached a Peterbilt gear shifter knob to the brake on the Cub Mobile.
They raced down that hill that is beside Rizer Chevrolet. Noah was one of the very few that did not crash, and he came in second in his division. No matter how the awards would have come out, he had a great day all around. I don't think I have ever seen him (or Joe) smile that much! They are already talking about how to improve the Cub Mobile for next year while staying within regulations...something about precision balanced bearings in the wheels....
I have to say, I am looking forward to it as well!
Last weekend was the annual Cub Mobile race and you know nothing gets my crew excited like something that has wheels. Joe and Noah set out to build the very best Cub Mobile ever. They had grand plans for motors, special wheels, turbos.....you name and they wanted to do it. Of course they were set back a little in their dreams by the rules, regulations, and specifications of the official Cub Mobile plans, but they had fun anyway.
Noah chose the color (Peterbilt Green just like the truck his Daddy drives) and scrounged around back at the shop until he found some old Peterbilt symbols to use for decoration. He painted his wheels "Chrome" and they even attached a Peterbilt gear shifter knob to the brake on the Cub Mobile.
~The side view~
~The front view~
~Ready to go~
They raced down that hill that is beside Rizer Chevrolet. Noah was one of the very few that did not crash, and he came in second in his division. No matter how the awards would have come out, he had a great day all around. I don't think I have ever seen him (or Joe) smile that much! They are already talking about how to improve the Cub Mobile for next year while staying within regulations...something about precision balanced bearings in the wheels....
I have to say, I am looking forward to it as well!
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